Episode 4: Addicted to “Love”
Why do we compromise ourselves to belong?
Have you ever gone back to a romantic relationship or friendship that you know isn’t healthy for you? How can we help survivors break free from trauma bonds with their abusers, acknowledge the reality of the abusive behaviors that can keep them trapped, and survive the withdrawal period long enough to get to safety?
Trauma bonding is a phenomenon where people who are being abused become empathetic towards and emotionally enmeshed with their abuser, and this can keep people locked into abusive relationships, feeling like they cannot leave because they “love” this person. This episode discusses the neural processes in our brain that keep us locked into toxic relationships, and offers practices and interventions from neuroscience to support breaking the cycle of addiction to unhealthy relationships, just like we can work with any other destructive habit we wish to change.
Dear Dr. Cindy,
“I am an addict in recovery from Washington. My question is, how do I find healing for something that I don't really know how to go about it? I was a single mom for 17 years and focused on raising my daughter and I am a recovering alcoholic and a sex addict and I go to church and I meditate, and I ask God to help me with my sex addiction but I constantly feel lonely and I seek in men protection and love and warmth through sex. But I know there's got to be a deeper root that I need to heal and so I have a really hard time digging into that.
When I was growing up, my mom and dad left me in Mexico when I was four, and a year later reunited with me. I don't know if that was the trauma that caused it or just my dad not being able to show love, and not being able to hug me and tell me that he loved me. I don't know if that was the cause. My mom was always there but she never did hug me so I do feel like an empathetic person, but I feel like I constantly need touch, I constantly need to feel loved and accepted and I haven't been in healthy relationships in the past and so I was just wondering if maybe there's something that can come to mind that maybe I could start looking into or ways that I could start seeking that healing. Because I feel like even though I have tried for the last 15 years, I feel like I'm just going around in the same circle and I always end up having sex with some person that for whatever reason I feel attracted to.”
Listen to the episode or subscribe to Cynthia Garner on Substack to hear Dr. Cindy’s full response.
Soothing Somatic Holds for Loving our Wounded Inner Child:
Place a hand on your heart and feeling the sensations of holding yourself, and being held. Notice the weight of your hand, and any messages that your heart has for your hand or your hand for your heart.
Wrap your arms around each other, holding onto your upper arms with each hand and just resting there in that gentle embrace. You might even say to yourself as you're giving yourself this physical touch, I've got you. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.
Rest your face in your hands. Place your elbows on the table and make kind of a cradle with your hands, you can just kind of plop your face down in your hands and give yourself the softness and the receiving that are available from your open hands.
Squeeze the back of your neck and your shoulders, and massage down your arms, torso, thighs, and calves. Starting again at the top of your body, sweep your hands in soft brushing strokes across your skin, sweeping away any old or stagnant energy from the body.
Place your hands on the earth, giving to her anything that you don’t need to carry any more.
Submit your questions:
If you would like for your question or relationship challenge to be aired on a podcast episode, you can submit to Dr. Cindy by leaving a voicemail at (719) 759-9471. Your recording time will be limited to three minutes on this line, and you are welcome to use the entire time to share any relevant background or context that will help listeners connect to your story. Please remain anonymous, or use only a first name in this recording.
You are also welcome to submit questions or longer voice recordings via email to help@askdoctorcindy.com. I’ll make every effort to respond to every inquiry, either by email, in the blog, or during an episode. Please be patient, as it may take me a few weeks to get back to you.
Thank you so much for being willing to share your story and to ask for help. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be able to reach out in times of distress, and your willingness to do this helps other survivors know they are not alone.
With a deep bow to all of you,
Dr. Cindy